It’s a tough situation when your partner’s desire for intimacy becomes overwhelming, only to suddenly stop.
One woman found herself in this very predicament, noticing her husband’s apparent infidelity without ever addressing it.
“It was clear he was seeing someone else, but we’ve never discussed it.
We don’t talk about his late nights, and strangely, our relationship has improved,” she shares.
This might sound unconventional, but if you’re willing to overlook infidelity to preserve your relationship, you might be embracing what’s known as ‘tolyamory’.
Dan Savage, a well-known US columnist and podcaster, coined the term ‘tolyamory’ to describe relationships where one or both partners tolerate the other’s outside sexual or romantic encounters without discussing or acknowledging the infidelity.
Unlike open relationships, where partners agree to have outside relationships openly, tolyamory involves turning a blind eye and maintaining a façade of monogamy.
More Common Than You Think
While it might seem unappealing, tolyamory has existed for as long as marriage itself, though it now has a snappier name.
This arrangement is especially common when there’s a significant power imbalance, such as one partner being financially dominant while the other enjoys the perks of this lifestyle, as long as they accept certain conditions.
It’s also prevalent in situations where separation is not ideal for either party.
For instance, Hillary Clinton’s decision to stay with Bill Clinton during his infidelity scandal is a prime example of this dynamic, where personal and professional stakes outweigh the infidelity itself.
Tolyamory in Practice
Laura, 34, who has been married for eight years, describes her experience: “I always knew my husband might stray, but I’d rather have him and tolerate the cheating than lose him altogether.
Our lifestyle is incredible, and my children are thriving. It’s a trade-off I’m willing to accept.”
Laura explains how she initially felt devastated upon suspecting infidelity, especially when warned by a friend.
However, she chose not to confront her husband, preferring to maintain the comfortable life she had.
Why Some People Embrace Tolyamory
There are several reasons why tolyamory might work for some couples:
– Mismatched Libidos: In cases where one partner has a high sex drive and the other does not, tolyamory can provide a solution without the need to end the relationship.
– Lifestyle and Financial Concerns: Divorce often means a significant loss of material wealth, which can make tolerating infidelity more appealing than splitting up.
– Family Impact: The potential emotional turmoil for children and extended family can make staying in a tolyamorous relationship seem like the lesser evil.
– Deep Emotional Connection: Sometimes, couples who no longer have a strong sexual connection might still prefer to stay together and tolerate infidelity rather than face separation.
Sarah, 43, shares her experience: “I recently discovered that I’m in a tolyamorous relationship.
Though I wasn’t familiar with the term, I’ve come to terms with my husband’s infidelity.
Our sex life dwindled, and I was relieved at first. But discovering his affair with a colleague shocked me, though I’m conflicted about how to handle it.”
The Downsides of Tolyamory
While tolyamory might seem like a practical solution for some, it comes with its own set of challenges:
– Emotional Distress: Tolerating infidelity can lead to severe emotional turmoil and feelings of betrayal, especially if it stems from low self-esteem or a lack of respect.
– Erosion of Trust: Trust is fundamental in any relationship, and infidelity can undermine not only romantic trust but also other aspects of the relationship.
– Health Risks: There are potential health risks if the partner engaging in infidelity does not practice safe sex.
– Resentment and Bitterness: Watching your partner enjoy the benefits of a relationship while you forgo your own desires can foster long-term resentment and bitterness.
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