Recently, I went on a hike with my fiancé, Paul. It was a perfect British summer day, the kind that practically demands a pair of shorts. I have a sensible pair of black walking shorts in size 8-10, but as soon as I pulled them out, that familiar voice in my head started its usual routine.
“You can’t wear those!” it whispered. “Not with your legs! They’re like a rugby player’s. Why not stay home, put on those baggy trackie bottoms, and munch on some biscuits instead?”
In the past, I would have listened to that voice.
It’s been a constant companion, urging me to hide from the world and indulge in junk food.
Back in my 20s, I was a size 28 and weighed 22 stone.
It took over 20 years to shed 12-and-a-half stone—more than my current weight of 9 stone 6 pounds. At 52, I’m now a trim size 10, and my friends even compare me to Benjamin Button, saying I look younger as I age. But despite the positive changes in my appearance, I still struggle with a ‘fat brain.’ No matter what the scales or the mirror say, I can’t shake the mindset of an overweight woman.
The ‘Fat Brain’ Dilemma
Comedian Ed Gamble recently spoke about this issue, too. He lost 7 stone years ago, but still battles with a ‘fat brain.’ “I’m always thinking about food,” he said.
“I shouldn’t eat that. I’m always ready to binge.”
I completely understand what he means. Having a ‘fat brain’ isn’t just about food—it’s about how you perceive yourself and how you think others perceive you.
My ‘fat brain’ can be triggered by almost anything—a stressful day at work, or even hearing someone shout something hurtful in the street. I automatically assume they’re talking about me.
People are often surprised when I admit I still think this way.
Despite my weight loss and the confidence it’s brought me—allowing me to thrive in my NHS career, leave an unhappy marriage, and prepare for a new wedding—I still feel haunted by my past self.
Embarrassing Memories and Persistent Anxiety
Take, for example, my first holiday abroad at 22. I was thrilled until I had to wedge myself into an airplane seat. The seatbelt wouldn’t stretch over my belly, and an air stewardess had to bring me an extender. I was humiliated and could hear passengers snickering as tears rolled down my cheeks.
Even now, when I travel, I feel that old anxiety returning. It’s as if my body is expanding again, and I panic about fitting into the seatbelt.
The Comfort of Food and Breaking Free
In those stressful moments, my ‘fat brain’ suggests buying comfort food. “Get that massive Toblerone from Duty Free,” it urges. “Eat it all. It’ll make you feel better.”
We often use food to comfort ourselves, and it’s a hard habit to break.
Experts say sugar can be as addictive as cocaine due to its reward response. I used to buy large quantities of junk food and eat it all in one go, only to feel worse afterward—palpitations, sweating, and emotional distress.
Turning Point and New Strategies
The death of my sister from pancreatic cancer four years ago was a significant turning point for me. I realized I needed to take better care of my physical and mental health.
Although I still have weak moments, I remind myself that the temporary pleasure of junk food isn’t worth the self-loathing and weight gain.
I try to avoid keeping junk food at home and find that the temptation usually fades after 20 minutes. I also practice daily self-care—morning and evening meditations, and occasional treats like an Indian head massage or restorative yoga.
Finding Balance and Moving Forward
Despite the lingering negative thoughts about my body, being outdoors helps me stay grounded. I focus on the present moment, listening to birds and watching the clouds. Each morning, I set positive intentions for the day and choose to embrace a healthy lifestyle.
After years of being judged for my weight, I’m grateful for my current health and body. But the final challenge is overcoming how I view myself. This ongoing battle is the key to my happiness and self-acceptance.
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