We’ve all heard the term “narcissist” thrown around in casual conversations—like when someone grabs the last biscuit at a meeting or lets the door slam in your face.
It’s easy to label someone as a narcissist in these moments, but does that term really capture what’s going on? Or has it become so overused that it’s lost its meaning?
Red Flags of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
So, how can we distinguish between someone who’s simply thoughtless and someone who might actually have narcissistic personality disorder? Trauma coach Caroline Strawson, author of How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, sheds light on six key signs that could indicate you’re dealing with a narcissist.
1. Lack of Accountability
Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions.
They’ll never apologize for the harm they cause and always shift the blame onto others.
You might hear them say something like, “I had to do this because you said that!” Unlike most people, who eventually offer an apology and acknowledge their part in a conflict, narcissists don’t operate that way.
2. Public Charm, Private Control
Narcissists are masters of disguise.
They can be charming and engaging in public, but behind closed doors, they are controlling and manipulative. They might provoke you with hurtful comments just to see your emotional reaction, and then put on a show of being the life of the party while you’re left feeling down.
This inconsistent behavior can make it tough for others to believe your account of their true nature.
3. The Need for Attention
Narcissists crave attention, whether overtly or covertly. The overt narcissist, like an attention-demanding boss, makes their presence known and expects things to go their way.
The covert narcissist, on the other hand, may seem like a victim in public. They might exaggerate their own problems and downplay yours to ensure they remain the center of attention.
This constant need for validation is what therapists call “narcissistic supply.”
4. Absence of Empathy
Most people feel guilty if they hurt someone and want to make amends.
Narcissists, however, lack this empathy entirely. They don’t experience the same emotional response when they harm others and are indifferent to the impact of their actions.
5. Immaturity and a Need to Win
Narcissists often display behavior akin to that of a toddler.
They focus solely on their own needs and can’t handle criticism well. Whether they’re a partner or a boss, you might find yourself tiptoeing around them to avoid conflicts.
If you challenge them, they might react with anger, silence, or personal attacks because they always need to come out on top.
6. Gaslighting Tactics
Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists to make you question your own perceptions and sanity.
For instance, if you see a suspicious text on their phone and ask about it, they might dismiss your concerns as irrational and turn the blame back on you. This manipulation makes you doubt yourself and feel like you’re the problem.
If any of these signs resonate with you, it might be time to seek support.
Caroline Strawson’s book, How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, offers further insights into dealing with such challenging relationships.
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