Mothers are often seen as the epitome of love and sacrifice for their children.
But for some of us, that isn’t our reality.
My journey with my mother was far from the norm, and it took having my own child to understand what true maternal love felt like.
When my son was born 28 years ago, I instinctively knew I’d do anything for him.
That stark contrast made me realize how my mother, who passed away eight years ago, never showed such affection.
She made me feel unlovable, never good enough, and always criticized my every move.
Early Criticisms
One of my earliest memories is of my mother criticizing me when I was just six. While playing in front of a mirror, she bluntly told me I was getting fat.
This was just the beginning of many hurtful comments about my appearance.
Understanding Narcissism
Over the years, I came to understand that my mother wasn’t just selfish or uncaring; she likely had Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Everything in our family revolved around her, and my father, who worked for Aer Lingus, always sided with her. It took me two decades to muster the courage to cut ties with her, which was necessary for my sanity.
Sharing My Story
About a decade ago, I began sharing my experiences, which resonated with many women.
This led me to create the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers community.
My website has seen over two million visitors, and I’ve written four books on the subject, helping others navigate similar challenges.
Normal moms celebrate their children’s achievements, but narcissistic mothers can’t handle being second best.
They might downplay your successes or make them about themselves.
Empathy is lacking in narcissistic mothers.
When I shared my heartbreaks, my mother only made it about her own grief, showing no understanding of my pain.
Narcissists create a reality where they’re never wrong.
This gaslighting leaves you questioning your own sanity.
My mother often denied hurtful incidents, making me doubt my own experiences.
Narcissistic mothers often have a “Golden Child” who can do no wrong and a “Scapegoat” who is blamed for everything.
This dynamic further strains sibling relationships.
Boundaries mean nothing to a narcissistic mother.
She might invade your privacy, read your diary, or even remove your bedroom door.
Narcissistic mothers can’t resist upstaging their daughters, especially at weddings.
My mother chose a dress that clashed with my wedding colors, only changing it when pressured by my father.
Narcissists shift blame to others for their own shortcomings.
My mother blamed her smoking habit on us children, refusing to take responsibility for her actions.
Does She Build You Up, Then Tear You Down?
Narcissistic mothers oscillate between praising and belittling their children, driven by jealousy.
My mother did this frequently, especially as I grew older and gained more attention.
Does She Hijack Your Children?
Narcissistic grandmothers often try to win over their grandchildren, undermining their daughters in the process.
This behavior can be particularly harmful as children grow older.
Is She a Fan of the Fauxpology?
Fauxpologies are a hallmark of narcissists.
They sound like apologies but don’t take responsibility for their actions, shifting the blame onto you instead.
Moving Forward
If any of these traits sound familiar, you might be dealing with a narcissistic mother.
Understanding this can be the first step towards healing and setting boundaries to protect your well-being.
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